Making Men: What Dad Says it Takes

by Sarah Defibaugh

Yesterday we spent six hours of “quality family time” in the car while driving to a family function. The guy I married and I had a bit of time to talk in between the roaring coming from the backseat. Since we have two busy little guys who we are working to shape into gentlemen, I asked him what he felt our boys needed from me in order to make them into solid men.  I probably should have asked him this earlier because his answer was really insightful (go figure).  Here’s his advice to moms of boys:

1.  Be an identity affirmer.  Moms are the first cheerleaders their sons have.  You need to be the voice in your son’s head that speaks encouragement.
2. Be fun!  Boys need to see the side that is genuinely you.  It can’t be all tasks and discipline–they need to see you dance around and act like a nut.  You’re the first woman that they are spending time with and they will compare all other female relationships to you.  Model the qualities you want them to look for in a spouse.
3. Be healthy.  If you’re not setting a good example with food habits and activity levels, they will accept that as normal.  Plus, you are the one preparing meals and providing access to snacks.  The habits you are setting now make a huge difference.
4. Be brave.  Fear can be rooted in boys hearts early in their lives.  When hard times come, model courage.
5. Be someone they can talk to.  You need to listen and be a sounding board as they navigate their emotions.
6. Be a hard worker.  Boys need to see you working hard, whether its inside the home or outside the home.  They’re not just looking at their father for the example in this area.
7. Be the wife you want your son to marry.  Your son is watching how you relate to your spouse in every area: humor, forgiveness, fun, affection.  You are setting the template for what they will look for in a wife.  If they despise the way you treat your spouse, they will marry your opposite.
8. Be spontaneous.  They won’t remember a lot of the day to day, but memories will stick with them of the fun things that you dreamed up on the fly.
9. Be objective.  Don’t put your stamp over top of who your sons actually are.  Just because your friends’ boys are all on the basketball team doesn’t mean that your son needs to try out.  If he’s more interested in working on lawnmower engines, and that’s where his passion lies, ensure that he has the opportunity to pursue that.  Don’t be swayed by your own desire to steer your son into what you want him to be involved in.  Ask yourself what he’s actually good at.
10. Let them fail.  A man who hasn’t experienced failure and worked to overcome it is not worth anything.  Men knock each other down, and it starts as boys.  If you swoop in constantly to pull your son away from the hard times, he will be unable to handle opposition and overcome failure.   Running interference will create a weak man.  At a certain point, the coddling  must end.

Moms of boys:  What would you add to this list?